“真实” 和 “谎言”

若干年前，看到这么一小段文字：

“真实” 和 “谎言” 一起到河边洗澡。

先上岸的 “谎言” 偷偷穿上 “真实” 的衣服不肯归还。

固执的 “真实” 死也不肯穿上 “谎言” 的衣服， 只好一丝不挂光溜溜地走回家。

从此

人们眼中只有穿着真实外衣的谎言，
却怎么也无法接受赤裸裸的真实。。。

Lau Hero & The Horse

lim peh ka li kong

After reading my numerous posts on our friend Lau Hero, he finally buay tahan, called lim peh and told me this joke which he insisted that I must share with all of you:

=====

Lau Hero walks into a pub and sees a jar full of cash on the bar.

He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says, "If you can make my horse laugh, you win the money."

So, Lau Hero walks around back of the pub, whispers in the horse's ear and the horse starts laughing and snorting and stomping his hooves.

Lau Hero walks back into the tavern and takes the jar of cash.

A few weeks later, Lau Hero walks into the pub and sees another jar of cash on the bar.

He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says, "My horse hasn't stopped laughing since you were in here last and if you can make my horse stop laughing you win the money."

So Lau Hero walks around the back of the pub and everyone hears the loudest sobbing and crying coming from the horse.

Lau Hero walks up to the bar and reaches for the jar of cash.

"Hold on a minute," says the bartender. "I've gotta know what you said to that horse."

"Well," says Lau Hero, "the first time I came in, I told him that my dick was bigger than his."

"And the second time?" Asked the bartender.

"I showed him." said Lau Hero.

====

Power sia?!

lim peh kong wan liao

Funny Picture Captured (5)

lim peh ka li kong

I was queueing up to buy Toto when lim peh saw a man with a nice T-shirt in front of me.

What is Safety? Safety equals to ABC.
His T-shirt tells it all.

lim peh kong wan lia

Thai Touching Commercials

lim peh ka li kong

Guess most of you must have seen these clips in youtube or via emails from friends and colleagues.

For those who have not seen them, enjoy them, shed a tear or two.





lim peh kong wan liao

Tall Couple

lim peh ka li kong

Got one day hor, after lim peh's lunch, I saw a couple so darn tall.

Yeah, they are ang-mohs and we all know Ang-mohs are usually tall but these 2 are super hyper freaky tall.
Guess lim peh only stand to the cha-bo's chin only, yeah me shorty.

lim peh kong wan liao

包强

lim peh ka li kong

Saw this cute youtube clips in 1~xyn's blog, 笑到~~



lim peh kong wan liao

有朋自远方来

令伯卡你讲

世事真奇妙。

如果老明我不曾写 Blog，就不会认识一些网友。

因为blog 而结交了一些在新加坡的朋友，也一块儿出来吃一餐、喝杯咖啡。当中见过面的有Xorpheus, Elydia, Whiskoffee, Hiao Auntie, Cockroach888, DanDan, Leonard。

也见过了几位马来西亚的朋友如 CarCar, Don Lim, 少俊，森林，Munwey, 新怡。

近日，一位在网上所认识的汶莱朋友子非鱼来到新加坡。由于知道得太迟，实在腾不出时间陪她，只能和查某人在星期六一起陪她吃顿晚餐。

到了约定的时间，老明和查某人到Ibis Hotel的Lobby接见子非鱼。

虽然我没见过子非鱼，但当她和她的母亲从大堂的电梯走出来时，我就知道我要接的人就是她。

我们自我介绍一番后，便一起到位于乌节路的Wisma Atria 吃晚餐。

我们一边吃一边聊，幸好子非鱼的母亲会说华语以及福建话，我们才能沟通。

从子非鱼那儿知晓其实汶莱和新加坡在吃这方面差异不多，所以晚餐并不难解决。

在那短短的一顿饭的时间里，我们就谈了两国之间的种种事迹：

食物、车子、房产、天气、网络、CPF、退休年龄、休闲活动、狗狗、别的 Bloggers也成了我们交谈的话题，真是什么都大谈一番。

吃谈之间，我拨了一通电话给蓝月让子非鱼和她谈了一会儿，因为我知道她们都认识对方。

饱尝一餐后，子非鱼和她的母亲与我们夫妇俩道别，自个儿在热闹的乌节路逛逛。

道别之前，子非鱼送了一款汶莱发行的首日封以及一枚别致的邮票纸压。我羞愧得脸颊发红因为我都没准备礼物给她，真是几 malu 一下。

令伯讲完了

Lau Hero and The Farmer's Widow

lim peh ka li kong

Long time no hear from my friend Lau Hero, kind of missed him. Lim peh remembered one more incident which happened to him long long time ago:

=====

A successful farmer died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the farm but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a farmer hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was a gay named Lau Hero and the other a drunk named No Eyes.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire Lau Hero the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

Lau Hero proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming.

For weeks the two of them worked and the farm was doing very well.

Then one day the farmer's widow said to Lau Hero, "You have done a really good job and the farm looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

Lau Hero readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock...and no sign of him.

Finally, Lau Hero returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, Lau Hero did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

=====

lim peh kong wan liao

ASD Charity Event Gathering

lim peh ka li kong

Remember lim peh’s previous post on ASD Charity Event?

Lim peh very smart one and made use of the opportunity to make it a small bloggers’ gathering event of our own (thanks to Xorpheus – the supposedly original person to organize our gathering some 3 years ago).

“Got 3 years so long meh?” Everybody who attended last Saturday night’s dinner was doubting Old Beng’s statement.

Since my blogging saga, lim peh have met up with Xorpheus in 4 different occasions:

1) KTV session on the 13 Nov 2005; (With Qin, Monkichi, I Promise and Xishi)
2) Supper at Lavender on the 17 Dec 2005; (With Qin, Monkichi, Xishi and Elydia)
3) Japanese Dinner on the 02 Jun 2006 (With Elydia and Dan Dan) and
4) High Tea on the 02 Oct 2006; (With Elydia, Hiao Aunty, Cockcoach and Joshua)

See? The last time we met up was on the 02 Oct 2006, 3 long years man.

Actually hor, we did have another gathering on the 01 Mar 2007 during Chinese New Year at Hiao Aunty’s house but our Xorpheus fly, flew, flown our aeroplane then.

Anyway, since our Xorpheus WAS so busy and IS still so busy, lim peh took the liberty to gather some of the bloggers to meet up last Saturday.

Old Beng & Cha-bo-lang, Elydia & Peter, Joshua, Hiao Aunty and Xorpheus came together again for a talk cock session.

We ate, we talked, we suan-ed one another, we updated our status (someone got married a year ago and nobody seems to know, darn jia-lat lor), we laughed and most importantly, we enjoyed our evening with one another’s companionship.

Before we knew it, it’s almost 11 pm and we had to bid goodbye.

Since everybody was pointing fingers at someone for not doing his part in organizing our gathering, this time round, our next gathering session was fixed before we went our separate ways.

We are going to have a “Supper cum Tea Session”, details as follows:

Venue: West Coast Road “Ah Neh’s Coffee Shop”
(opposite Esso petrol Kiosk)
Date: 17 Oct 2009 Saturday
Time: 9:30 pm

Interested? Come come don’t shy, it’s gonna be a happy night and it is also very economical. (Prata and teh in coffee shop, cheap cheap.)

lim peh kong wan liao.

不可思议的事迹 -- 我的亲身体验

今天与各位分享一件不可思议的事迹：是老明我的亲身体验。

事情都玄之又玄，各位听过后，各凭自个儿去想一想，信与否并不重要。

我也不是在传教，只是在诉说一些事情的发生罢了。

=====

十多年前，我和查某人到了日本东京 （Tokyo）、京都（Kyoto）与奈良（Nara）去游玩。

那时，可能是因为脚踝旧伤复发，从一下飞机抵达东京的那一刻起，我的右脚踝就开始疼痛，走路一拐一拐，每走一步便痛一次。

在东京走了七天，脚疼足七天。但没办法呀，出外旅行，痛也只能咬紧牙关忍一忍，难道整天困呆在酒店房间里不外出吗？

东京之后我们再转去京都。

其中一天我们夫妇俩乘搭新干线到奈良去了一趟。

我的右脚踝的疼痛完全没好些，还是疼痛非常。当然啦，每天从早走到晚，没啥休息怎么会好呢？

奈良有着一间很有名的 “东大寺”，那也是我们所要去参观的寺庙之一。

从京都乘新干线到奈良，再转巴士到 “东大寺”。下了巴士还必须步行一大段路，但途中并不沉闷，因为一路上风景优美，也见到了很多很多的鹿。

终于，拐着拐着、慢慢的也到达了 “东大寺”。参观了好一些寺庙，我们忽然见到一尊佛像。那尊佛像并没有被围起来，参拜者都可以触摸到佛像。

佛像旁竖着一个讲解牌，大略是: “人如果身体哪儿不舒服，只要在佛像同样的部位摸一摸，便会得到解脱。”

很多年前，老明对佛学的认识并不很深（当然现在稍微好一些）。当时的我并不十分清楚诸位神佛 ---- 释迦牟尼佛、彌勒菩薩、阿彌陀佛、藥師佛、观世音菩萨等等也只能辨认一二。

我记得当时望着那尊佛像，心里就想着，反正试试也没什么损失，就往那佛像的右脚踝摸了几下。

之后我们夫妇俩在寺庙里走了一会儿，便步出外到附近逛逛。

咦！！！ 我的右脚踝忽然之间不痛了！天啊！我痛了整整十天，拐了整整十天，右脚踝竟然不痛了。

我正常的来回走动着，不敢置信，但事实就在眼前。我望着查某人，她也正望着我，满脸惊讶。

我们都知道发生什么事，却都不想说出来，只是愉快地走着，看着四周美丽的风景。

整个下午，我们都在奈良里闲逛直到黄昏时分才在 “东大寺” 附近乘搭巴士到新干线的车站。

巴士上一路慢驶着，我们都欣赏着街道景象。

当巴士抵达新干线车站，我们夫妇便下车去转换新干线。但一下巴士，我又开始感觉到我的右脚踝又开始痛了起来。

当新干线往京都的方向驶去时，我的右脚踝也越来越痛。。。

接下来在日本的旅程，右脚踝一直疼痛着，完全没康复到。

=====

回来新加坡后，我才发现到那尊我所触摸的佛像就是 “药师佛”（God of Medicine) Medicine Buddha）。

老实说，我拜佛，但我不相信奇迹、神迹；这件事如果不是发生在我自己的身上，我不会相信。

现在，你问我相信神迹吗？

我相信。。。

I Also Say WTF

lim peh ka li kong

Saw this post at No Eye's blog, hot man! (Hot means angry type of hot not chio type of Hot).

If lim peh were the parent of the student, I will make sure I sue that bloody teacher till his pants drop and lim peh will kick his balls so hard until they split and shove them into his mouth.

What kind of teacher? What kind of man? Phui!

I don't know what's the issue behind it but his action is totally unacceptable.

lim peh also ROAR!!!!! and yes, I think I will break his hand if I were there.

No Eye's post.

lim peh kong wan liao

To You

I can’t bring you lots of money

But I can bring you lots of laughter

I can’t provide you with a muscular body

But I can give you affectionate hugs

I can’t buy you a big house with a big garden

I can only give you a comfortable home

I don't have a melodious voice to sing you sweet lullaby

But I can give you foot-reflex massage before you sleep

I don't have a handsome face

But I do have lots of love

X X X X X

And these are my presents - From a not too rich husband

Happy Birthday to you

Ha Jokes Again

lim peh ka li kong

Share some cheeky Q & A to brighten your Monday blues:

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.

Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Lastly, Lau Hero was talking to a pretty woman in a pub last night:

Lau Hero: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one arsehole in there."

lim peh kong wan liao

Young Beng & Ah Huay

lim peh ka li kong

Many many years ago, when Old Beng was a young Beng, me also had 2 dogs and at that time, my part-toh was Ah Huay.

Ah Huay was taking a walk with lim peh who had adopted two dogs from the SPCA.

Ah Huay asked what their names were.

lim peh told her that one was called Lolek (Singlish for Rolex) and one was named Tai Mek (Singlish for Timex).

Ah Huay said, "Alamak, why you siao siao name dog like dat one! Where got dog with such name one?"

I think ah, Ah Huay really boh tak chek, so lim peh was more than happy to teach her a thing or two.

"Helloooooo......" answered lim peh. "They're watch dogs la!!"

Lim peh smart hor?!

lim peh kong wan liao

现代学生作文

令伯卡你讲

那天看到这学生的作文，笑得我前翻后仰，当真后生可畏。

他的创意一流但我想不会有任何老师会给他及格吧。

如果你是老师，你会给几分？

我？

我会给他及格分。

令伯讲完了

The Drinker The Smoker & The Gay

lim peh ka li kong

Bored with life? Hectic with work? Problems with boss? Neh mind, come come let lim peh tell you a joke:

=====

Our 3 friends Sibeh Sian is a drinker; Lau Hero is a smoker and No Eyes is a gay;

One day, all three of them were in a doctor's office.

The doctor told each of them that, if they indulged in their bad habit one more time, they would die.

All 3 of them left the Doctor and walked quietly side by side.

Outside they passed a bar.

Sibeh Sian said, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink and I need it right now!"

Sibeh Sian went into the bar, took a drink and, sure enough, he dropped dead.

Meanwhile, Lau Hero the smoker and No Eyes the gay guy were walking along.

Then hor, Lau Hero saw a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.

No Eyes looked over and said, "If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."

=====

* A big thank you to Sibeh Sian,Lau Hero and No Eyes for dropping by *

lim peh kong wan liao

Phobia 2

lim peh ka li kong

Last year, me and my cha-bo-lang went to catch the Thai movie Phobia (4 short stories) and lim peh quite like the show. See my post then.

This year, Phobia 2 will be air-ed in Singapore soon.

Instead of 4 stories, this time round, there are 5 stories instead. Click here for a sneak preview.

=====

Synopsis:

A collection of five horror stories, from the studio that made SHUTTER, DORM, BODY #19, ALONE, COMING SOON, 4BIA. By Thailand’s most talented horror film directors- Banjong Pisanthanakun (Shutter, Alone, 4BIA – In the Middle), Paween Purijitpanya (Body, 4BIA- Tit for Tat), Songyos Sugmakanan (Dorm, Hormones), Parkpoom Wongpoom (Shutter, Alone, 4BIA – Last Fright), and a new director Visute Poolvoralaks the man behind the success of Shutter, Alone, 4BIA, and Coming Soon.

Novice - Fourteen year-old Pey committed a crime, so his mom decides to hide him in a Buddhist monastery to escape punishment. However, something deep down inside is bothering him. Will Pey's Karma catch up with him?

Backpackers - Upon graduation, a young Japanese couple decides to hitchhike around Thailand. They manage to get a ride on a truck, but suspect something strange in the truck's trailer. What exactly is in the back of the truck?

In the End – Four boys are filming an upcoming horror movie. As they are shooting their last scene, one of the actresses dies mysteriously. To finish the film, they have to have her complete her scene, DEAD or NOT.

Salvage – A car dealer makes her living by refurbishing used cars, sometimes with horrific pasts. One night after closing, she discovers her son is missing. Could these cars have memories of their tragic histories?

Ward – A young man is in hospital for a motorcycle accident. He is moved into a room with an old man on life support. When strange things start happening in the middle of the night, he starts to wonder. Is he really alone?

=====

Don't know my cha-bo-lang will want to watch Phobia 2 or not but I will definitely love to watch it.

lim peh kong wan liao

沟女必杀技之五浪

令伯卡你讲

曾经看过一部电影，台湾朱延平执导，片名忘了、故事忘了、演员只记得是万人迷“金城武”。

当时电影中的一段情节却让令伯笑到喷茶。

剧情讲到一个男人要如何才能吸引到女孩子的芳心。沟女必杀技之五浪：

1） 浪花 – 沟女其间一定要带她到海边散步，星空下、海浪声、海风轻轻扑面、牵着手赤着脚享受着浪花；

2） 浪费 - 男人出手一定不能手软，要舍得花钱，最好是能花钱花得很浪费；

3） 浪漫 - 每时每刻、无时无刻都要制造浪漫气氛；

4） 浪子 - 必需有浪子一般的性格、飘浮不定、无可捉摸、处处无家处处是家；

5） 浪叫 - ？？？？ 我当时就是因这浪叫而喷出嘴中的茶（虽然导演最终说必须学狼一样的叫，但那效果已达）。

你 catch no ball？ Too bad.

令伯讲完了

Papa's Advice

lim peh ka li kong

My 小马哥, at his age of falling in love and facing uncertainty in a relationship, was feeling extremely down when his gf migrated to Australia.

He felt so down and kept saying, "How am I supposed to live without her? Pa, how can I live?"

Looking at his miserable face, I was thinking what's the best way to make him understand that life is not just about bf/gf love.

"I really can't live without her, Pa." 小马哥 said sadly.

"......"

====

After 1 week of his continuous sighing of "can't live without her", one evening lim peh finally could not take it anymore and had a man-to-man talk with him.

"Come, let's talk." Papa said.

"Pa, what's there to talk? I can't follow her and I surely can't live without her..." 小马哥 said.

"I only want to say 2 points to you. One, you have survived living for the past week and most importantly, Two, how did you live all your years before you met her? You mean you did not live before meeting her?"

With that, I left my 小马哥 pondering.

Looking at him in deep thoughts, I know he will be fine...

lim peh kong wan liao

Funny Picture Captured (4)

lim peh ka li kong

A car may be a luxury to one person but may just be for transportation purposes from 1 point to another for another person.

Our cars are strictly to transport us and with the sure lose depreciation of the values of the cars, we are very much happy with what we own. (read small cars).

Some car owners are very particular with the car plate numbers and are willing to bid for the auspicious numbers for their car at a high price.

Numbers like 8, 88, 888, 168, 188 etc are not cheap to bid.

Owners bid for such auspicious numbers for their cars are understandable but lim peh saw twice, not once, cars with the following number plate:

666?

I wonder who will want to bid for such numbers unless of course you got the numbers while registering for you new car, then bo bian la.

lim peh kong wan liao

Funny Advertisement

lim peh ka li kong

Monday blues?! Not to worry, let lim peh bring you some joy.

Saw these few funny ad in youtube, share share:











lim peh kong wan liao

人渐老 （儿童不宜）

令伯卡你讲

大概在一年前写了这篇 “曾经、如今” 却在近日收到一则简讯, 看了之后只能摇摇头, 无语问苍天, 长叹一声~~~~

儿童不宜, 但会有多少儿童会看得懂呢？

=====

人渐老的几个特征：

越看越远
越尿越近

坐着打磕睡
躺下睡不着

往事忘不掉
新事记不住

上面有想法
下面没办法

更糟的是

以前硬着等
现在等着硬

以前要就硬
现在摇不硬

以前马力充足
现在后劲不足

以前一次久久
现在久久一次

=====

什么？你在大笑？

哈哈哈, 别笑, 别急, 很快就会轮到你了。

令伯讲完了

Swee Numbers

lim peh ka li kong

Saw a special set of numbers in lim peh's counter, swee bo?Cannot see? The number is 222222 Ya la, nothing significant la, just for my own record.

lim peh kong wan liao

Shoes for Men?

lim peh ka li kong

Is it lim peh or is it age is really catching up and lim peh is one old-fashion-fart?

Saw someone wearing this pair of shoes, swee bo? Will any girl out there like to get one for herself? After seeing the pretty nice pair of shoes, lim peh of course look up to see the owner of the shoes (maybe a chio-bu?) and wa-lao eh, lim peh almost fainted.

The pair of shoes is worn by a man.

Is it me or what?

lim peh kong wan liao

Riddles To Brighten Your Mood

lim peh ka li kong

Received some interesting riddles from a friend, share share and hope they brighten your mood:

Why did the rooster cross the road?
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To prove he wasn't chicken.

What did one volcano say to the other?
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Do you lava me like I lava you?

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
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Because they have big fingers

Why did the bald man put rabbits on his head?
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Someone said that from a distance they looked like hairs.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
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Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
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Tit-Bits.

And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
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Banana split.

What's the diff between a bomb and a condom?
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In a bomb blast population decreases; if a condom blasts population increases.

lim peh kong wan liao

Lollipop

For my wife And yes, I missed Lollipop... a lot more than I actually realised.

Lollipop was the name of one of our dogs, you may want to click here to read about her.

That day lim peh "莹莹美代子" went to youtube and typed in "lollipop" and these are what lim peh got.













lim peh kong wan liao

ASD Charity Night

lim peh ka li kong

Received the following email from Ms Annie of ASD.

// Quote //

This is the flyer/invite to our ASD event this year. We hope that you & your wife can attend and support our event. Please let me know how many tickets you’ll be requiring. It would also be great if you can help us spread the word and forward this to as many like-minded people as possible.

// Unquote //

Anyone wanna join in the fun?

* click to enlarge *

Interested? Good!

See you there.

lim peh kong wan liao

Funny Picture Captured (3)

lim peh ka li kong

Have you eaten Geoduck 象拔蚌 ?

Lim peh was at SS doing groceries shopping with my cha-bo-lang one evening and I saw this giant Geoduck. (Hmmm... seems like Old Beng and cha-bo-lang have nowhere to part-toh except groceries shopping) =_="""


How big is this Geoduck? Look at the tong hanging near the tank and you can do the comparison.

lim peh kong wan liao